* For best results, begin early in the day to avoid crowds and take advantage of cooler temps.
4 well-rested, well-breakfasted toddlers, dressed in cool clothing
2 double strollers
2 determined parents
1. Load all ingredients into minivan; drive to state fairgrounds and park. Once kids are strapped into strollers, locate 1 wheelchair-accessible entrance (don't worry if the first entrance you hike to is full of stairs; entertain kids with snacks while you wait on Daddy to find out where you can get in).
2. Enter fairgrounds and immediately fuel up with 1 doughnut burger (for Daddy) and 1 order of deep-fried veggies (for Mommy). Find a shady spot and wait for the straight-from-the-fryer foods to cool. Offer kids a taste of what you're eating and watch them spit out the delicacies for which you've just paid an arm and a leg.
3. After wolfing everything down, get up and continue tour of fairgrounds in increasing heat. Keep stroller contents cool with canopies and plenty of bottled water. Add 1 vanilla milkshake from the Dairy Barn for good measure; divide evenly among all participants.
4. Once parents are completely stuffed with fair food, incorporate 1 smattering of farm animals. A pony provides an excellent base:
Gradually add a handful of sheep, goats, horses, and smelly, sleeping pigs. Top it off with 2 incredibly humongous oxen:
5. After 2 hours of baking in the sun—and enjoying the smiles and comments from strangers (including funny stuff like, "I bow down to your power!")—find a shady spot in which to feed kids PBJs and 1 lemon shake-up. (Optional: Daddy may ingest 1 bratwurst during this step.)
6. Now hike back to the van and load everyone up to drive home; ignore any fits that may be thrown at the prospect of being buckled back into car seats. Upon arriving home, immediately put kids to bed. Smart parents may want to crash on 2 couches for the duration of naptime!