Sunday, August 29, 2010

CSI: Mommy

A piercing scream. A sobbing child. One bite mark—and three seemingly innocent bystanders.

I hear the sounds of distress and come running to see what happened. In an instant, my extensive forensic training (via true-crime novels and television shows) kicks in, and I begin to process the scene.

Step 1: Interview the victim and the witnesses.

I don't expect to learn much from this part of the investigation, and my veteran instincts prove to be correct. What follows is the official transcript of our exchange:

Mommy: (to victim) "What happened, honey?"
Victim: "Wahhh!!"
Mommy: (to witnesses) "Who did this?
Witnesses: *crickets chirp*

Step 2:
Examine the scene.

I have responded quickly enough to ensure that the crime scene remains undisturbed. I observe that all three witnesses are standing in close proximity to the victim. Witness #1 is holding a car, witness #2 is holding a ball, and witness #3 is holding a night-night; the victim is empty-handed. Notably, the victim's arm shows a clear dental imprint:



Step 3:
Process the evidence.

This is where my photographic memory comes in handy: I quickly compare the laceration to my mental dental map of the victim and each of the witnesses. My analysis not only rules out a self-inflicted wound, but it also allows me to identify (and sternly reprimand) the perpetrator within seconds.


Case closed! Can you figure out who holds the dubious distinction of being the first member of the Fab Four to bite a former wombmate?

15 comments:

Julia (Oliver) Reynolds said...

You are too funny! Is it Isaac? So, do you really have a photographic memory or is that just part of the drama?

Suzy said...

Julia, I have a photographic memory for some things. Came in handy for test-taking, but got me accused of cheating a couple of times when my answers were word-for-word what was in the textbook. :)

P.S. I'll reveal the culprit as soon I get some more guesses! :)

Amy (mommy) said...

Suzy, My guess is Dahlia. She did the biting.

I had to read your blog outloud to Mandy because it was so funny.

Amy

Megan said...

Lucy is the biter. She has to be. :)

HILARIOUS post. I read it out loud to Kenny!

jen cox said...

Love this. It's totally Lucy.

Beth said...

Too funny! I have also stumbled across a similar crime scene, Fortunately mine are not criminal masterminds-- they always leave behind evidence!! Excellent work on the dental imprints. Unfortunately, I have not met your little ones, so blind guess--Lucy.

Randy said...

Lucia. Three lower teeth. Three tooth marks.

I'm glad you weren't my mother, Suzy.

Lindsay Conner said...

Isaac or Dahlia... I think more lower teeth make a bigger mark!

Jackie said...

Absolutely hysterical CSI mom!! love it. Probably the first of many biting incidents, but maybe it will be a short lived phase!! Our 4 should be here in the next couple of days. Pray!!!

Nicole said...

I would say Jude or Dalhia... the ones who have less teeth at the bottom but I must say I don't see much of a bite... I would say the child did not give it the best of his strenght... yet!! :-))))))

sonja said...

Is it Jude?? Too funny. I was a Forensic Sci major as an undergrad, but it wasn't as fun as this case! ;) Can't wait to hear the answer!

The Saunders Family said...

Looked like maybe Lucia...only three bottom teeth on the victim??

The Saunders Family said...

oh, I see now that you told the answer...I promise I didn't cheat!

By the way, I have a friend with a semi-photographic memory and she too got in trouble come test time by the teacher. She got out of the trouble though by telling the teacher which paragraph on which page the answer was and if there were any pictures/illustrations on that page!

Lori said...

This post cracked me up!

Crystal Kurzen said...

CSI mommy to the rescue! I loved this post, Suzy! You are so creative and have an amazing sense of humor. I also love the dental imprints and need to suggest something like this to my siblings as they now both have two children!

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